I'm ready to be snowed in! Alone!!!! I'm feeling depressed today and snow makes me happy. Not sure why I feel so blue. I've done the laundry, the house is mostly clean, I spent the day with my grand kids yesterday, and fought with my daughter and husband as usual this morning, so what's the problem? Oh! That's it! I'm tired of fighting and it all being my fault!
To start I'm an early riser. I'm usually up at 3 a.m., but I have been forcing my self to stay in bed until 5 a.m.. Normal people don't get up before five, so I'm trying to fit into the norm. This is not working out well for me. It makes my Fibromyalgia worse, so as of this morning I'm giving up on being "normal". Pain makes me grouchy. I need to find a new direction too. My routine is clean my room (yes I said my room, I don't sleep in the same room as my husband). I make my bed, pick up my cloths and usually start the day by starting a load of laundry, then taking a shower. I babysit three days a week until 4:30 p.m. for my cousin. She and the boys usually get here at 7:45 a.m.. I then clean my house again, picking up after the boys. Then I feed the chickens, sheep and horses. In the last week though, I have had to get help or "make" my husband and daughter go out and do the feeding. We have had some sick sheep and my back is on the verge of going out. I have a herniated disc in my lower back and two bulging disc's in my upper back. I'm the one in pain, but they think doing the work is killing them. All I hear is "why can't you get it done before we get home?" Mostly because I can't catch the sheep, hold them (some of them weigh over 200 lbs) and give the their meds alone. It takes two of you, why is helping me such a pain in your hind end??? And what part of "its takes two people to give meds" don't they get???
I sell eggs from home and at a farmers market locally. The farmers market it on Friday evening after I've babysat all day. I get home at 7:30 p.m., then I'm at another farmers market on Saturday morning at 7:00 a.m. to cook Port Burgers until noon. If we don't have a catering after that, I can go home. Other wise, like the past two or three weekends, I don't get home until after 10:00 p.m.. I come home only to find out that none of the chores have been done. Instead of coming home, my husband gets done taking care of his dad, and goes to his friends house to hide out. My daughter gets off work and goes to her boy friends house to hide out. I know my daughter has school, and a 40 hour a week job, and my husband takes care of his dad with the help of an in home agency, but why do they keep saying "you need to get a job? Your not doing anything to help out?" What the hell!? I get paid every week, I help pay the bills, I don't go shopping even when I really need things like cloths and shoes. I work 30-35 hours a weekend (Friday to Sunday) catering, I babysit 24 hours a week and work at the farmers market on Friday night for four hours. Lets do the math. 30 + 24 +4 + 7 (that's feeding time) = 65 hours. I have no idea how many hours I spend cleaning house, so I figure I put in my 80 some hours a week at the very least. I do their laundry, because heaven forbid they would have to do it. I canned all the vegetables from the garden alone, I took care of the garden alone and when I call and ask either one of them to please come home and help with anything, they find something better to do. My son is the same way.
My husband takes care of his dad who is 85 and has Alzheimer's. His dad should get breakfast at 8:00 a.m. to take his meds. My husband usually gets up around 8:30-9:00 a.m. Keep in mind he is a farmer (much better on paper than in real life). It drives him crazy that I get up early and get a half days work done before he wakes up, but if I wake him up, he gets angry and I catch hell all day long for waking him up. Thank God once he leaves, he doesn't come back until late at night.(I guess I need to choose. Do I want him home to get in my way, or do I want him to stay gone so I can get stuff done?) He also hates it that I go to church on Sunday morning, that I read my bible every night and that I don't stay up all hours of the night like he and my daughter watching old TV series on DVDs. In my heart, I don't want to make God unhappy by getting a divorce, but my head says it's time to get out. Nothing has changed in 27 years, and it's not going to.
We (I) are trying to build a sheep business selling freezer lamb. We have bread sheep for the past 10 years. Problem is, when I say things like "we need to build fence" or "we need to clean the barn and build lambing jugs" my husband disappears. He wants the money without the work. He also keeps waiting for a huge bag of money to fall into his lap, and he likes to think that his family name means something big. Problem is, not one cares. Their just another farm family like the rest of us, nothing overly special. And, he wants to wait until it's -10* and the snow and wind are blowing to winterize the barn, and get ready to have lambs. I guess this means that I'm an idiot for staying. I keep hoping that he will change. That God will change him in some way, but I can see that God is giving me the strength to keep taking things as they are, and he's not going to change my family. Our business isn't growing very fast. How can it? I work, try to do everything around here, and I'm getting nothing completed quickly. I wouldn't leave the area because of my grandchildren. They are my life. But if I could take them with me, I would move to another state tomorrow.
Maybe its the rainy weather that has me in such a blue mood. That sounds like a good excuse. I know that it's my family, and it's me always being stuck either at home or at work. I can't tell you the last time I talked to a friend, not even sure if I still have friends. I talk to people at church, but I don't go to lunch with anyone, ever. I hate to shop, so that's out. I hate going and spending $20 at the movies when I can wait a few months and buy any movie off the $5 rack at the store and watch it as much as I want for a quarter of the price. Maybe it's me. But I was raised to believe that marriage was a 50/50 deal. When do my husband have to start putting his 50% in?
Maybe this is just the rainy day blue's and there is nothing I can do about it. Blogging is like complaining to my self, but it's the best release I have at this point. Well, that's the end of my rainy day at the Lambs Nest.
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